I don’t know what to write. The only reason I’m here is to do something with this hour of time before I go pass out after a long day. I’ve been up since 5:20 am. I ate a boiled egg, cheese stick, and a couple of peices of pepperoni before I headed into work. I made it work without any significant issues. Traffic was light and no crazy drivers. That’s a considerable feat considering the city.

I only had one meeting scheduled for the day. That’s odd but I went with it. I spent most the day listening to people talk about what they are dealing with at work and life, working on operating procedures and process models, and reviewing projects. Nothing too crazy. My the end of the workday I headed home. Again, traffic wasn’t bad considering the time. There is one main intersection that typically holds up traffic, but it was clear today.

Home wasn’t bad. Kids said hi when I got home. I listened to the story about how the day went and how crazy the kids were. It’s summer so they are home all day every day. I got one kid set up on his educational computer time where he is learning how to code. The other was on PS4 playing spider man. I hung out and helped them both with whatever came up. Off to bed they went a bit later and here I sit.

What do I want to type about? I don’t know… Every time I sit down to do something like this my mind is blank. I then think about video games, a book I can read, web sites I can visit, and a host of other distractions. Some other nights I’ll sit in the living room with my wife and talk. Nothing too crazy, but very fulfilling.

But again, here I sit. I don’t know what I want to put here. My creative mind is blank. If I sit here long enough, maybe something will come to mind. I could write a short story. I could paint a picture, post it, write a story as to where it came from in some deep though fashion. Maybe, I can just stare at this screen and wait for some magical moment where I say “AH HA!” and am motivated to create something that’s amazing only to finish it and be slightly disappointed with the product.

How about focusing on an item. We could select a topic and deeply consider it in some methodical way that elicits thought and input from readers. Maybe something controversial that would cause some to get heated and others to sit and wonder. Maybe that’s too risky. I could pick something that is ambiguous and not specific but conveys a strong concept that could be applied to many different instances. I don’t know…

I’m thinking about this too much. Maybe I should just focus on who I am, what I do, where my principles lay, and how the concepts I find the most value in. I could do that but then I would end up exposing myself too much to the public that I don’t know well. I don’t know…

Maybe it’s a result of fear. I fear what would come of my creativity and the reaction I would receive based on where my mind goes and how it translates things. Maybe I fear the perception others would have, jobs I would potentially miss out on, connections I would ruin all because I was honest with myself. I don’t know…

But that leads me to not being honest. What is the fear in being honest with one’s self? If I am honest with myself publicly and it offends or turns off another person, does that mean I’m wrong? If I create something that someone else perceives outside of the intended context but others follow the misinterpretation, am I then wrong due to the general consensus misperceiving something i’ve created? Am I now an unacceptable contributor and should be shunned. I don’t know…

What boundaries are there to creativity? Maybe all these assumptions disable me and result in fear of living life as me. I then transition to living a life as what I think everyone else wants me to be only to please them but in all honesty, I’m living a lie and am not being honest to anyone. Maybe… Living the life everyone else expects me to live is no different than being creative, expressing myself in an honest way, and being shunned, to begin with. I don’t know…

What if… What if I did live a life honest to myself and I was accepted by a few genuine people? Would that create more value then being accepted by many only because I am living a life they expect? Even if I was not accepted by few, would living a life honest to myself and alone bring more value then lying to be accepted by many? I don’t know…

Maybe through this rambling, I have found the very topic I should pursue. Who am I? What does a life being honest with myself look like and feel like rather then living a life to be accepted? I really don’t know…

This might be my journey to share. Moving from a life formed around being accepted by the norm. Move to a life where I am honest with myself, my principles, my integrity, and my perception of life.

This doesn’t mean I have to be rude or crude. I don’t need to be harsh and painful to deal with. The overarching goal is to understand who I really am and adjust to a life that suits me best. I don’t know…

We change a lot as humans. Even those that swear they don’t change ever are prone to changes. We experience changes in taste, health, jobs, accessibility to general and privileged resources, and more. So maybe I’ll become honest with myself and then change again. Mutate into several different expectations… but that’s another topic. However, I don’t know…

So, will I ever know? Will I ever side 100% with some theory and ideology even if the norm doesn’t accept it? I guess that answer to that is if it adheres to my principles and accepted view of life and death I am good to go.

So, here I am, a quandary of things and a bucket of confusion. A typical life conversation with no answers. Just concepts and rhetorical questions. Let’s continue to float down the river of life and see where the current takes us.

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